


How To Defend Yourself Against Food Akuma

by Draxynnic



Series: Monty Python's Miraculous Circus [3]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Inspired by Monty Python, including some yet to be shown, mild swearing, so its naturally crack of course, spoiler warning for new Miraculous users
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 07:21:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19740907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draxynnic/pseuds/Draxynnic
Summary: As a spate of food-based akuma plague the city, Ladybug brings Chloe, Kagami, Luka, and Alix in for an… unusual… training session. Will any of the would-be heroes make it out in one piece?





	How To Defend Yourself Against Food Akuma

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a discussion about overly convenient Lucky Charms. I didn’t quite use the scenario actually discussed, though, so that remains a secret to be used by those who were there.
> 
> With the usual acknowledgements to Miraculous Ladybug and Monty Python.

“As you all know…” Ladybug declares to the assembly of four animal-themed heroes before her, “you’re all here because with the increasing threat of the new Hawkmoth, we are _considering_ raising each of you to permanent hero status…”

“And about time, too!” A shrill voice responds from the yellow-and-black figure in the group.

“Accordingly…” Ladybug continues, ignoring the interruption, “we’re going to put you all through a training and assessment program to determine which of you are suitable for permanent custodianship of a Miraculous. Since we’ve had a spate of food-based akuma lately, I thought we’d start with training on how to defend yourself without your weapon against fresh food.”

“Why would we be unarmed?” The dragon-themed would-be heroine in the group asks, raising her sword to display it to the group. “The Miraculous provides us each with a weapon, after all.” 

“Two reasons.” “Ladybug answers. “First, Ryuchan, I don’t think there’s anything _I_ can teach you about using a sword. Maybe we’ll arrange for you to spar with Chat sometime while I give Bee a few pointers. Second, you may have a Miraculous weapon, but it’s possible that at some point you’ll be disarmed, and we don’t want to lose a Miraculous because you can’t fight hand-to hand.”

“But we’ve _already_ been fighting food akuma whenever you called us in for weeks now!” The smallest, rabbit-themed member of the group complains. “Shouldn’t we be worried about something more dangerous, like lightning bolts?”

“Lightning bolts? Ladybug responds indignantly, stepping into the speaker’s face and looking down at her. “Oh, you want to learn how to defend against lightning bolts, do you? Getting all high and mighty, are we? Food akumas aren’t good enough for you, eh? Well, I’ll tell you something, Bunnyx: when a German sausage-maker gets akumatised tomorrow and you get a face full of the wurst taste you can imagine, don’t come running to me! Now, the baguette…”

Ladybug backs off, allowing Bunnyx to recover from Ladybug’s uncharacteristic aggression, before picking up a piece of bread from a table covered with an array of foodstuffs. “Right. Baguettes. How to defend yourself against a baguette. Catch!”

The baguette is tossed over to Ryuchan, who hefts the bread and gives it a few experimental swings, getting a feel for its weight and balance.

“Now, Ryuchan, come at me with that baguette….” The heroine in question adopts the en garde stance and begins carefully approaching as Ladybug eggs her on. “Now, attack me then, come on, come on, come at me! Come at me then! _Luckyyyyy_ **CHARM!** ”

Most Lucky Charms are quite complex to figure out and use, often requiring a Rube Goldberg-esque arrangement of pieces from the surrounding area to employ successfully. The red-spotted cattleprod, however, had a fairly simple application, which Ladybug was quick to employ.

“Now,” Ladybug states, picking up the baguette from Kagami’s twitching fingers, “I break the baguette, thereby releasing the akuma.”

“You electrocuted her!” The snake-themed hero, the only male in the group, objects.

Ladybug takes a bite out of the center of the now-broken baguette. “Well, she was attacking me with a baguette.”

“But you told her to!” Queen Bee interjects.

“Look, I’m only doing my job. I’m here to teach you how to defeat fruit-based akumas.”

“And weather-based akumas throwing lightning bolts.” Bunnyx adds, to which Ladybug responds with a shushing motion.

“Suppose I don’t have a Lucky Charm?” Bee asks.

“Disengage until you do?” Ladybug responds.

“You could try calling for backup.” Viperion suggests.

“You try that with an ice-cream cone shoved down your windpipe.” Ladybug comments. “Right, speaking of… Ice cream! Chilly, but harmless, wouldn’t you think? WRONG! Now, you, Bee…” Ladybug places the ice-cream cone into Queen Bee’s hands, who pinches it between thumb and forefinger, obviously not being pleased with being left holding it but equally unwilling to _drop_ it either. “Come at me with that ice cream. Come on. Be as vicious as you like."

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Bee responds, placing her free hand on her hip.

“What do you mean?” Ladybug asks.

Queen Bee gestures towards the cattle-prod with the ice-cream cone. “You’ll electrocute me.”

“No, I won’t.” Ladybug insists.

“You electrocuted Ryuchan.” Queen Bee points downwards, where the dragon heroine has ceased twitching and is simply lying limp.

“That was self-defence. I promise I won’t electrocute you. Come on, brandish that ice cream! Come at me with it! Give me frozen hell!”

“Throw the prod away.”

“ _Fiiiine!_ ” Ladybug throws the prod aside, landing close to Ryuchan, who musters the energy to feebly kick the prod further out of reach. “How to defend yourself against an ice cream akuma… without a Lucky Charm.”

“You WERE going to electrocute me!” Queen Bee screeches.

“Didn’t you say that the point of this exercise was fighting without weapons?” Viperion observes. 

“That was a Lucky Charm, not my weapon. That’s different.” Ladybug responds.

“But you need your weapon to summon them, don’t you?” Viperion points out. “So if you’ve lost your weapon, you can’t summon a Lacky Charm. Throw your yoyo away too.”

“If you _insist_ ,” Ladybug answers, throwing her yoyo over her shoulder. “Now, come on then! Come at me! Come on you drone! You drone, do your worst! Come on, you puny little girl! You drooooone…”

Queen Bee rushes forward in response to Ladybug’s heckling, cone outstretched… but like Ryuchan before her, she wasn’t fast enough as Ladybug jumped back and pulled on a previously hidden wire suspended from the ceiling. In response, a space dumpster lands in front of Queen Bee with a CLANGGGGG!, before tipping over onto her. While the side facing the bee-themed hero before it tipped over was open, the pieces of not-so-fresh fruit and other debris that scatters out before she is engulfed indicates that this _might_ not be the mercy it first appears to be.

“If an ice-cream akuma attacks you, just pull on the hidden wire, and the space dumpster will fall on him. Or her. Learned that one from Reverser.”

“Suppose there isn’t a space dumpster handy?” Viperion objects.

“Well, that’s planning, isn’t it?” Ladybug insists. “Forethought.”

“Well, how many unlaunched space dumpsters are there?”

“Look, look, look, Mr Knowitall. The space dumpster is just _one way_ of dealing with an ice cream akuma. There are millions of others.”

“Like what?” Bunnyx asks.

“Giant fan powered by a motorcycle engine?” Ladybug responds dismissively.

“Well, what if you haven’t got a Lucky Charm or a space dumpster?” Viperion demands.

“Look, look. All right, smarty-pants.” Ladybug hefts a giant wheel of cheese off the table and drops it in Viperion’s hands, before following suit with Bunnyx. “You two, you two then, come at me with smelly cheese. Come on, both of you, a whole wheel each.”

“No Lucky Charms?” Viperion insists.

“No.”

“No space dumpsters?”

“No.”

“No electrocution?” Bunnyx asks.

“Shut up.”

“No 16-ton weights in the ceiling?” Viperion adds.

“That’s oddly specific, but no.”

“And you won’t do anything to us that will cause extreme pain to us even though we’re transformed?” Viperion continues.

“I promise I won’t.”

Viperion and Bunnyx look at each other, before raising their wheels of cheese and stepping towards Ladybug. “Oh, all right…”

“Right, now, don’t rush me this time.” Ladybug raises her palm to get the other two to stop. “ _Stalk me._ Do it properly. Stalk me. I’ll turn my back.” She turns to face the opposite wall, raising her voice so that it bounces off the wall. “Stalk up behind me, close behind me, and then... “ Ladybug mimes jabbing something with a round object, “...in with the camembert! Right? Okay. Start moving. Now, the first thing to do when you’re being stalked by akuma minions with camembert is to… set Chat Noir on them!”

* * *

“So, what was the point of this again?” Carapace gestures to a screen, where the two remaining would-be permanent Miraculous holders were in the process of being soundly trounced by the more experienced superhero.

“Well, if you ask her... “ Rena Rouge answers, “she’d say that she’s looking to teach them pattern recognition, situational awareness, trap avoidance, making use of the surroundings, being prepared for the unexpected, and things of that nature.”

“And _off_ the record?” Carapace asks.

“Well…” Rene glances towards the screen and then back to Carapace, tapping her nose conspiratorially. “She _did_ happen to mention that she’s been wanting to see Chloe in one of those space dumpsters ever since her father came up with the idea…”

  
“ _The great advantage of the Chat in unarmed combat is that he not only beats up the cheese-laden foe but his kwami also eats the Camembert, thereby recharging himself. Plagg, however, does not relish chocolate. The chocolate-based akuma should be engaged with…”_

**Author's Note:**

> I considered having Ladybug’s Miraculous beeping from the moment she summoned the cattleprod, but I figured that it was easier just to assume that this was set far enough in the future that Ladybug is experienced enough to at least extend the timer, and maybe to summon multiple Lucky Charms.
> 
> Ryuchan is my guess as to a hero name Kagami might take, although I'm not sure if the "Ice Queen" would choose the -chan suffix for herself. Ryu is a Japanese word for "dragon".


End file.
